Journaling and it´s (non) Cohesion

I wanted to try to describe for you how I felt today and think that the best way to do it is through the lens of a previous journal entry. (Forgive me if I´ve quoted from this before...in truth I rarely journal so it wouldn´t be surprising if I´ve already used this.)

10/28/2008 - the day we left Seattle
¨The city and hillsides are draped in fog. It is as if the landscape was attempting a relection of my heart and mind. The streets and mountains, so often sharp and stunning in clarity, have now cloaked themselves in nature´s confusion. And that is my soul too - the vision and passion that had been so clear feels shrouded - it feels like my dream is trying to be recollected but daylight won´t allow it. As we drive away from the city that I love - its coffee shops and technology and casualness and gray days and green trees; its proud position between grand snowy mountains next to the great ocean´s harbor, its ineffecient freeways and the most beautiful collegiate stadium in the nation; its market and Troll and Freemont and Ballard; its beautiful people that have embraced us, called us friends, laughed, cried, played and loved with us; its young skyline and urban suburbs and upstart mentality - I feel a deep heaviness about leaving this place. There is a Siren´s song trying to seduce me to stay. And as we drive I find myself thinking about these things and longing for a reason to stay or at least a specific date to come back. Yet God´s will compels me to still those thoughts and to instead contemplate Him. And as I do I notice the conversation swirling around from this topic to that and I feel as if I cannot engage them. It´s as if the center of the Creator and the center of the creation and the center of me are trying to align themselves. There is a deepness though about this moment that cannot be fully experienced by my frailty and instead the rocks and trees and water and sunrise join with their Creator in a cry of praise and a cry for me.

So soon we are in the airport and I feel like I am underwater. Or rather, I am in slow motion, lethargic in thought, and everything around me is in warp speed. Almost before I know it we have said our goodbyes and they are gone and we are so very alone as we bump and move our way through the crowd and onto the plane. And as the plane takes off I catch one more glimpse of downtown and Husky stadium and proud Mt. Baker and majestic Rainier and the Sound and the I-5 corridor and I imagine the cozy homes of our friends and I can´t help but weep for love of it all. I wonder if anyone has ever been as blessed as us.¨

To say it was an emotional day would dramatically understate how we felt. The sheer power of paradoxical feelings was incredible. Yet I wanted to share this journal entry with you to help illuminate how I felt today. In comparison, I´d put today at nearly twice as emotional for me as that day. I felt like my heart was beating through sludge, my brain churning on less than half cylinders, to say nothing of my limbs or mouth.

Kelly left today to go back to Seattle for nearly a month. She needs to see a doctor and have a minor surgery done. It has nothing to do with anything we might one day catch down here. It could have happened no matter where she was living. And it is minor. No big deal. But I had to wave goodbye to her in a foreign airport, knowing that I wouldn´t see her again until mid May, get back in my ridiculous little car with a friend acting as chouffer, and drive back to this place. Even right now as I write this, I´m crying again. Some may scoff and say ¨oh, newlyweds.¨ But I´m telling you, 60 years from now I´ll feel no different. The sun in my life rises on her smile and the moon at the lilt of her voice. When she isn´t with me, it´s not that ¨my better half is missing¨ it´s that who I understand myself to be is confused by the lack of defining companionship. It´s not co-dependence, its God´s design for marriage. I no longer understand myself fully, apart from her. I am my own man in Christ for sure, and He has uniquely created and gifted me and calls me by name - but He has also given us over to be one flesh and to abide together. She is my lady, my love.

It has been a hard day. I am so glad she is back, receiving stress free treatment, visiting dearly missed friends and family, and enjoying a variety of food flavors for the first time in 6 months. But pray for me because I miss her so badly I can hardly stand it. She keeps me centered, she is the first to greet me and last to say goodnight each day, she sets the alarm, holds my hand, teaches me about grace, and stregthens me with evidence of God´s love. Oh how I miss her...

Things to pray for:
1. Traveling mercies for Kel as even now she is likely running through a Dallas airport trying to catch a tight connecting flight to Seattle.

2. Complete healing and fast restoration to her body.

3. Comfort for each of us.

4. Safety for me. And not just safety, but a true sense of peace that will let me sleep at night. Lately I´ve had a hard time sleeping anyway, and now, without her...

5. Details for teams. I stayed behind because we have a number of teams coming that I felt I needed to be here for. Pray for the details and process for these teams.

We love you all. Thanks for your prayers.

Love,
M&K